How to Change a Diaper Like a Kid

Now, my son didn’t actually write this, but I’m pretty confident these are his thoughts on the matter.

1.  When your mom asks you to change the baby’s diaper while she loads the groceries in the car be sure to look shocked that she would even suggest it.

2.  Don’t place the changing pad under the baby; it might contain the mess thereby eliminating steps four through ten.

3.  Find the smallest seat you can.  The one crammed between the side of the van and the baby’s carseat is usually best.  Seat yourself here and try to lay the baby there, too.

4.  Open the diaper without first checking how messy it is.  Turn to inform your mom that it is simply disgusting and looks like yellow cottage cheese.   While you are looking away the baby will stick both feet into the loaded the diaper and kick the back of the seat. Do not be concerned. This is normal.

5.  In the next ten seconds do your best to get the diaper contents on your shirt and pants, the baby’s outfit, the seat where you’re sitting, and the baby’s carseat. If any part of the baby’s legs are still clean, you aren’t doing it correctly.

6.  Inform your mom of the mess.  While you are looking away the baby will start to pee.  Laugh hysterically as he sprays the seat in front of him, your brother’s math homework, and himself in the face.

7.  Be assured that by this point your mom will intervene.  This was your goal from the start. Well done.

8.  Your mom will clean up the mess and have a new diaper on the baby in less than thirty seconds. Spend that time wiping your own clothes clean and lamenting that you will no longer be on time to your next event

9.  Refer to the seat in the van where this happened as “the pee seat” from now on.  You and your siblings should henceforth refuse to sit there.

10.  Rest assured that your mom will not ask you to change a diaper in the car again.


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